Thoughts About Death

Dear Readers,

Two events, happening close together, has led me to have some interesting thoughts about death and dying. This is not meant to alarm anyone, but I find just putting these thoughts on paper to be so helpful.

About a year and half ago, Mr. UT and I were in a bad car accident, in anther state, where our car was totaled. At the same time, while we were gone, my mother was taken to the hospital with a heart episode. She was put into hospice soon after. I was with my mom right before she passed, and actually found her after she died.

Even after all this time, I still struggle with some strange thoughts of dying or how I might die. I have some mild PTSD when driving or when in the car when Mr. UT is driving. I get so nervous, and worried someone will run into us and kill us. I have thoughts when crossing the street that someone will run me over. So strange. I won’t drive far on freeways anymore.

Then I have other strange thoughts. Sometimes things will pop into my mind such as thoughts of how I will cope if Mr. UT dies before me. Or how will he cope if I’m gone. Or fear of falling over things and dying.

I had been volunteering at the assisted living home where my mom lived, but decided to stop, because it seemed I couldn’t get away from thoughts of dying. (I loved my time working there, and don’t regret it!)

I am not scared of dying, as I saw my mom pass so peacefully. I just find these thoughts interesting. They don’t happen often. The only ones that bother me are the ones of someone hitting me while I cross the street, or of being in another car accident.

I also think some of these thoughts come from being almost 70, and having some physical difficulties where a knee replacement is looking likely.

I think some of these thoughts are normal, but no one wants to admit them. It seems we are still scared of talking about death and dying. Once I get my knee issue resolved, perhaps I can find a therapist to help.

Maybe having some thoughts of death are helpful to living a happy life. Perhaps they can make me look at my priorities and be sure they match my values. It always brings me back to being grateful for all I have now.

I love life right now, even though I can’t walk far or do other sports because of my injured knee. Mr. UT and I still find adventures we can do. I can still teach yoga to little ones. I can still volunteer making overdose prevention kits with Naloxone.

I leave you with anther child’s poem I wrote. I hope you enjoy it!

I made a little snow boy,

But he looked all alone, 

So made him a snow dog,

With a tasty snow bone! 

Then I made a tiny snow girl,

To join in the fun,

And they played all winter,

Oh No! Here comes the sun!

While Waiting for my Doctor’s Phone Call,

On Day 3070,


PS- The photos below, are from an ice castle (top), and a snow sculpture event (bottom).

23 thoughts on “Thoughts About Death

  1. I love how you’re observing your thoughts and curious…..I think those thoughts are more common as we age. Especially since you also were in a bad car accident. I also question my own sense of coping/stability in losing those I love…. therapy helps with that for sure. I most definitely see myself as more fearful and vulnerable the older I get- I look back and am amazed how fearless I was in my younger years! Thank you for always sharing from that beautiful heart of yours, Wendy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Wendy, I so appreciate receiving your mails. You are so balanced and “unfanatical” which is very refreshing. I reply today because I just couldn’t help but not think that maybe you deserve a little therapy regardless of an eventual knee operation. I am not saying this like – you need help girl – but rather – you deserve some helpful structure to deal with the fearful pangs. I hope you don’t take me wrong – it’s just, why wait to give yourself something you deserve if you can have it now. I don’t know your finances but you seem very resourceful and I bet you could find someone to help you. With admiration, Lis (from Milano on day 31) 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I do too. I know my insurance allows some sessions.
      Because I think thoughts of getting hit crossing the street is weird.

      And congratulations on 31 days!
      Thank you, so much, Lisa!


  3. Thanks for sharing these thoughts Wendy ! I think they’re perfectly normal and we don’t talk about death and dying enough in our culture, that assumes these are « bad » things rather than natural aspects of life. I remember as a kid I was heartbroken by the idea that frosty the snowman would melt and be gone forever – I wish an adult would have been able to explain to me that this was ok ⛄️♥️ xxxx Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think it’s great to think and/or talk about dying, and agree that it can be a good reality check. I don’t have fear of dying itself (though, yes, fear of a painful death), but I do think of it often. That gives a more accurate view of non-death, these days, these people, and puts them in a more accurate light, which is the astonishing marvel that is us and this. Off the charts! Especially for people who live a more or less comfortable, warm, fed, amicable life, holy cow what a glorious scene every day is. Perhaps a therapist (or some sort of energy worker) could help you melt the fear around it, which would leave the pure wonder.

    Today is the 17 year anniversary of my mom’s death, and I like to think back to her funeral. My youngest nephew was 5 months old at the time, and I held him during the service (picture the childless aunt letting 5-month-old gnaw on the surely-not-sterile church pew), and it struck me at one point that if I accepted his birth (which was an understatement), I had to accept her death, because, er, you can’t have one without the other. It’s hard to see that when we lose someone momentous, but it’s our situation. After my cat died a few years ago a friend and I were talking about the great unfortunate set up of life — if you love individuals, you’re guaranteed the pain of loss. I was like, there must be some way around this because it sucks, but couldn’t think of one. So weird. But best to find a weird way through it, and thinking and talking about death is really helpful for finding our way. (And the book The Journey of Souls also really calmed me down about the whole thing!!) Thank you as always for writing. Adrian

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Adrian.
      I am not afraid of dying, but more afraid of pain, or dying alone.
      Also the scared to death of driving on highways.
      I love that…a weird way through it! That’s me! Lol

      Also, thank you for the book suggestion!

      Stay warm! We are headed out to see the snow sculptures and ice sculptures in St. Paul.


  5. Wendy, I don’t know if this would be helpful or if it would exacerbate your preoccupation 🙂 but I get “The Daily Stoic” newsletter every morning and love it. It’s very “don’t forget this is your one and only life.”

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Wendy, I agree with others here. I think it’s a good thing to think about death. Our own, our loved ones, our pets, etc. Buddhist practitioners contemplate death on a regular basis. They do it both to appreciate the time they have remaining, but to also be better prepared when it comes to us or those we love. In the west, we don’t like to talk about, or think about, death. Like you said, I think these thoughts are normal, but no one wants to admit them. Yep. Spot on. I think fear of death/dying in whatever capacity is very normal. Acknowledging that fear and continuing to allow yourself to think about things like death seems to me to be an ok and healthy thing to do. After all, death is one thing that we have in common with every other living thing on this planet. And for some reason, that often brings me comfort. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on the subject. And for sharing the great photos! What a fun adventure!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I echo what’s said above Wendy! PTSD from your accident I’m sure plays a roll in driving and in your thoughts. We definitely should talk about death more, like said above it’s the one thing we all have in common at some point. I hope your surgeon appointment went well!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi Wendy! ❤ For what it's worth, those seem like normal thoughts to me, too.
    I mean, who isn't afraid of something awful happening? As long as we are not thinking about it obsessively, it doesn't seem like an issue.
    But I'm rather morbid and talk openly about things other people might not.
    I read the obituaries in the Sunday paper and cry and resolve to live a better life.
    There's a group called the Twin Cities Death Cafe that gathers to talk about this stuff – I'd go!
    Also I recommend the book – The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. that little poem sounds like my mind in a nutshell, as well as my creative process. it’s a never ending cycle of “something is missing” or “what if”, but in general i see all of it as a good thing. Death..well…i should probably delve into my own thoughts about it some time.I don’t think i ever truly have. Food for thought 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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