After my last post about my weight, I made an apple pie! LOL Mr. UntipsyTeacher was in heaven. It smelled so good, especially on a cloudy, fall day! I love baking, but then it’s all we eat! Breakfast, lunch and dinner! Maybe I can learn moderation? (Ha, ha.) Cheesecake next!
I had been feeling some resentment, some poor me feelings, about being ignored by a person I care for, because they are suddenly very busy with a new job. I happened to go to a meeting that day, and as I sat and listened, and as we read the steps, I came to the fourth step and there, found peace.
I realized that, although I was very happy for this person getting a new job, I was also feeling a loss that I am not needed so much in their lives. I realized behind my resentment was a fear of being left behind, of being unloved.
Fear of being not loved, or not included, has been with me for much of my life. However, as I thought about this fear, and realized this is not true, I felt the resentment lift. It went away, and still has not come back.
Instead of playing the victim role, I grew up a bit that day. When we finally connected, I was happy and positive, and it was a wonderful time.
Yes, there is some loss, but people move on, and that is life. It has nothing to do with me, personally. I have gotten busy, and not connected with people, myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them.
There is hope for myself, that I will learn how to let go of this fear, of being left out, somehow different, somehow not accepted. It has gotten better, for sure! My formal fourth step really did help me see that I was selfish to think people would think of me all the time. Me, me, me. At the time, I was holding so many resentments against people. I let those go. It was so freeing!
And here’s the secret I learned; when I let go of those resentments, I was happier when I saw those people, giving love and getting it in return! I was my joyful self, not expecting anything in return. That is an amazing gift.
Mantras really help me, by giving me positive messages to counteract my negative ones. I say them over and over all day, in the shower, at yoga, in the car. I print them out and say them when I first wake up and before I sleep. Below is the one I use when I am feeling left out or not loved:
I am Wendy.
I am strong.
I am loved.
I am light.
Sending love to all those who suffer.
I was so very grateful I went to that meeting, on that day, and looked at that step.
With a cheesecake on the way,
On Day 1850,