Fears

Dear Readers,

I have written about some of my fears before but lately I have found myself in more of a fearful state. I fear for our country, I fear for my, and all my loved ones, health, I fear for some future moment or event. (Here is an older post about my fear of losing Mr. UT.)

I found three different definitions for the acronym FEAR:

1. Face Everything And Rise
2. Forget Everything And Run (Fight or Flight)
3. False Evidence Appearing Real

When I first tried to stop drinking, I definitely was experiencing the first and third type of fear. I had to face how my drinking had made my life harder, and then put in the work to rise above this. At the same time, I had so many false fears I thought would happen, I feared I wouldn’t be funny anymore. (Turned out I was never that funny anyway! LOL) This was also true for all my health issues, including going deaf. All I could see was a future of distress. That turned out to be true for a while, but then I was able to rise above this fear.

There have been several situations where I was in fear type two, where I had to forget everything and run. One was an attempted sexual attack on me in college. A man jumped out at me between parked cars, and grabbed me, trying to assault me. I pushed him off me and ran to the parking attendant. I have had health emergencies that made Mr. UT grab me and run to the hospital to get help for me.

Fear type three is my most difficult type of fear. I have let fear of the future rule my life at times. It’s understandable, but it is limiting. Some of the fear of the future can be alleviated with planning. For example, Mr. UT and I made sure all of our health and financial information is given to our loved ones for when we pass, or get sick.

However, this fear still haunts me. Several years ago our car was totaled in an accident, I am still anxious anytime we are on the highway. I can almost feel us crashing. I worry too much about things I can’t do anything about, and not sure they will happen anyway! Going on a trip can bring more fears, such as the weather looking horrible, or not being able to hear the airport TSA security, etc. I have current and future fears of the rise of health care costs, of the violence in our country.

After reading more I am learning this kind of fear is called Anticipatory Anxiety. I am linking website here, that explains more. I definitely know some of my fears are from anxiety, as I have had that for many years, especially social anxiety. Some are connected to my health traumas, going back years.

My coping skills aren’t great, but things that do help some are sleep, exercise, and taking nature photos. Deep breathing is also key. Talking about my fears with safe people helps me put things into perspective.

Facing my fears and not running from them is hard and a continuing challenge, but not facing them is far too limiting. So I continue to work on this.

More walking and hiking, more social connections, are on the menu these days. I love going to the gym and have met some fun people there.

Mr. UT is making dinner, grilled chicken kabobs and asparagus! He won’t eat the asparagus but he will make it for me! (He hates vegetables, and at this point, I give up trying to entice him!)

Staying in the present moment, with love,

Wendy

On Day 4029