Update on Where My Fears Lie

Yesterday was a hard day emotionally, as I hugged a man who had been sober for 25 years, but just relapsed because he lost his wife of many years. He had taken care of her these last few months at their home, when she had cancer. He really didn’t know how to cope with the grief.

I often think men have a harder time, because they are not encouraged to share their feelings, or reach out for support. However, I know for myself, my fears lie with losing my husband.

This post I wrote a while ago, but I am sharing it again here.

xo

Wendy

Dear Readers,

Here we are in 12th grade of high school.

I am not afraid of death. 

However, it is my fear that I or Mr. UT will die alone, or in terrible pain.
It is my fear that Mr. UT will be so lonely if I die first, and will not be able to cope.
It is my fear that I will be unable to cope if he dies first.
It is my fear that I will start drinking again.

We are getting older now. If I look at how long people live, we have about an average of 12 to 20 years left to live. We were unable to have children, and so we can’t depend on a child to help us. 

We have prepared for retirement, saving money, keeping our house in good condition, and so on. He is helping me learn how to pay all the bills, as I have depended on him to do that all these years.
We have talked about where we want our ashes to be put, and have our will up to date. Hubs is so sweet, he even made a folder for me on the computer of step by step things to do if he dies first.

This is the time that I will need to use all that I have learned in recovery to help keep getting old in perspective. 
I will need to remember what I can control and what I can’t. 
I will need to remember that I can’t carry the heavy load of what I can’t control, like health problems.
I will need to remember that I can face problems one day at a time.
I will need to ask for support from as many people I as need.

Back in 2005, I wrote a song for Mr. UT when I was in a bit of a morbid phase I guess. I wish I could sing it for you, but here are the words:

Here we are on a date night!

Only Then  By Wendy 

Lay your head upon my pillow,
Let me breathe your dark dreams away,
Go to sleep in silent softness,
Let the day slowly fade.

Let your mind be peaceful darling,
Then the nightmares quickly escape,
When my lips sweetly kiss you,
You will know I’m here to stay.

Only then will I lay down,
Only then will I close my eyes,
Only when there is stillness,
Only then will I let you go.

When I hear your quiet slumber,
And I see no fear on your face,
I will know the angels protect you,
You will drift to a better place.

I would take away all your pain,
If I could, if I could,
I would sing you this lullaby,
All night long, all night long.

Only then will I lay down,
Only then will I close my eyes,
Only when there is stillness,
Only then will I let you go.

We have prepared for the future as best as we can.

All I can do is to live today well, bringing joy into our daily lives.
I kiss Mr. UT every day he comes home, (as I am asleep when he leaves), we laugh and play together, and we plan adventures!
I try to thank him for everything he does for me, and tell him I love him everyday. 

With Peace,
Wendy



40 thoughts on “Update on Where My Fears Lie

  1. I think this is so beautiful, and I am so proud that you are keep the tools that you've picked up in recovery close at hand. In particular, \”I will need to remember what I can control and what I can't.\” This is something I have to constantly work on and it is so important. I share many of your fears, my husband and I don't have children and I don't have much in the way of family other than his, so I've found myself afraid of what I'll do when I grow old and anything should ever happen to him. We haven't been the best at planning for retirement up until recently, we are finally trying to get things in order, but those worries do creep up me. I think it must be natural for us to experience these fears, but what's the most beautiful is how you are embracing life and each moment together. You are obviously very much in love and living for each other as fully as possible. Don't ever stop doing that – you are inspiring to not only each other, but to all of us out here as well. – Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I cried early-morning tears when I read this, Wendy. Although it isn't something pleasant to think about, you both will be comforted by the fact that you shared a beautiful life together. A lovely couple, then and now! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love your song. It is deeply beautiful.Enjoy today. No matter how old or young we are, it is truly all we are guaranteed. Right now.You sound some responsible. I feel like I need to get my affairs in order…As an aside, my 95 year old grandma still lives alone in her own house….70 years ago she had TB and had to live in a sanatorium and eventually had a lung removed. She thought life was over then. And there was so much more!Love to youAnne

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Beautiful words to your song. You write so well. I love the high school picture! Your smile is beautiful. I agree with Anne, in that, we only have today guaranteed, but your fears are so valid. My husband has shared the same fear, if I go before him, what will he do. He'll survive, he really will. I think you will be blessed, to find your fears will be lessened as time goes by, because you are addressing the fear. Thank you for sharing a very real concern for us all.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ooh Wendy, what a beautiful song. I am happy for you that you have found a love so deep. You look like a wonderful couple on every picture. 🙂 I find it very impressive that you and Mr. Tipsy have alreadys sorted out your affairs. Hats off. Most people (like I) stick their heads in the sand. I have no comforting words for you, mainly because yes, we die. but not now. Now we type and read and sing a song. <3This Snoopy cartoon gives me hope when I get sad about dying. https://9gag.com/gag/ayL6ORr/one-day-we-will-diexx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh Wendy, I feel this!! I look at my husband and pray for 50 more years with him! Life is so fleeting and precious and heartbreaking…when we finally have it \”together\”, the awareness of the temporary nature feels more heavy, I think. Beautiful post. Sending love your way. Hug your honey so tight tonight. I will, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. One of your gifts – the ability to touch a chord that resonates with each of us, and communicate. I have more friends who are widowed than are not (and I have been alone a little over 4 years). It's hard. Harrowing. But. You do it. And get through. And life can still be good. Just different. Good on you (and Mr. UT) for recognizing the impermanence of life and importance of love. Knowing you are each doing the best for the other, giving your best to the other…..is as much as you can do. Then, sally forth and enjoy!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Really enjoying your poetry, Wendy. Please keep posting. I've been meaning to publish more poetry myself, but life keeps happening and I write about that instead. It's good to have reminders of our own mortality. It helps me shrink my ego down to its rightful size.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Hi Mark! Thank you for encouraging me in poetry! I’m finding that seeing my ending in sight is making me feel free in a strange way! More light hearted, even with my fears! Definitely more loving! xo

    Like

  10. I'll try not to make this all about me like I have a tendency to do but…. I too have suddenly slammed up against my mortality recently. I'm not yet 50 but all of a sudden I have realised I am ageing and due to poor life decisions my health is far from where it should be.I admire you and Mr UT because it sound like you guys are having the conversations others wish they would have had before a loved one dies. The worry about death hits us all at some stage but it sounds like you have it at a manageable level and as with many things you open up to share it with your posse and several people have made some very good comments. Here's to many years ahead for both of you.I wish I could hear the song or the tune, I reads very well. Has a bit of an Ed Sheeran feel to it.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Thank you, Ginger! It's a strange feeling to see the years ahead as NOT endless. Yet, in a way, it's freeing! I have the song recored, but it's on a cassette tape. Not sure how I can get that on the computer! xo

    Like

  12. I was actually once again trying to find your blog recently.
    It’s good to be prepared and good to accept. You’re playing both hands, not sure how you’re doing it so well, it’s inspiring
    Love, light and glitter

    Like

  13. Oh Wendy, what a difficult day. You have a real gift for expressing emotions and fears I rarely hear people talk about. Thank you for saying these things out loud! Each one of your posts helps me in my journey, and your poem is beautiful. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  14. You’re right, I always had a difficult time sharing my feelings. Who am I kidding, I still do! We men always make jokes and hope people will see through them and offer help instead of just saying what we mean. It’s a work in progress. I think sharing your emotions is a real strength.

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