|On A Walk!|
August 21, was my 42nd wedding anniversary! Hubs and I met in 11th grade of high school, dated 7 years, and now married for 42.
Now that we are seniors, LOL, we look around and ask ourselves how did we get this far! We had many amazing fun time together, and a few hard times. Mostly we had normal good times. It is the everyday times that matter the most. It’s how we forgive each other, how we treat each other with compassion, how we help each other, how we know we are stronger together.
One of the hardest things for me has been the loss of my hearing.
I have written about this before, but lately my suffering has come back because I have been to several larger group gatherings, where I cannot hear very well, even with my implant.
Tomorrow I go to another dinner party with close friends, and I already started to tell hubs I don’t want to go because of my hearing.
|Hubs and I in high school!|
I am deaf in both ears, and although my implant has been wonderful to hear speech with one person, or with two people, in groups of more than 3, I miss a lot.
It makes me feel isolated and left out. It makes me sad and angry.
I can’t hear jokes, and so everyone laughs and I have no idea what they are laughing about.
Music is not supported by implants, so I have lost music as well.
I can’t do certain volunteering things because I can’t hear. Even at my volunteer job, I miss many conversations.
I can’t hear my yoga teachers, or conversations in the locker room.
Most of the time, I am at peace with this. But lately, I have been feeling angry, and not wanting to go to places, even to dinner parties with friends.
So, I picked up a book I love, called, How to Wake Up:A Buddhist Inspired Guide to Navigate Joy and Sorrow, by Toni Bernard, and started applying some of the things she has learned to help her in times of suffering.
I started my thoughts with compassion for myself. I told myself, “I am sad I cannot hear at parties. It hurts me to not be able to hear my friends talk. I am angry I can’t laugh with other people.”
Next, I talked kindly and with love to myself, “May I be kind and gentle with myself even if I can’t hear everything. May I have a good time, with what I can hear.”
Now I think of appreciative joy, where I think of joy for the other people at the party who can hear. This can be hard at times, especially if I think they should know by now, and be sure I can hear. But this only makes me resentful, and that makes my life unhappy.
So I am learning to say, “I am so glad people had fun talking! I am glad my friends got to see each other and laugh at silly things.”
|Our Wedding Photo|
Finally, I am learning to accept what I can change, and if I can’t change it, to let it be. I can’t get my hearing back. It’s gone. Implants do the best they can, but they are not ears.
I can let resentments about my hearing and parties, rule my life, but if I do, I will then have suffering upon suffering.
Would that make me any happier?
If I isolate myself will that make me happier?
All I can do, is find out what I can do with my limited hearing.
Rejoice in the fact I can now talk to people one on one.
Rejoice for all the other people who laugh together!
Rejoice I can hear nature sounds!
And send love to all those who have hearing loss.
With a Loud Doorbell,
On Day 1450,