My feelings this past week have been all over the place. Sometimes I feel happy, strong and at peace, other times anxious and sad.
I celebrated my birthday, which makes me older, but Mr. Untipsy and I had a great day. We had an adventure, taking our light rail train to downtown Minneapolis, and then on another line to St. Paul. We had lunch in St. Paul, and rode the train back again!
But then, I found out my last former principal who had cancer, passed away very quickly, the day she went into hospice. One time I got very drunk at a Friday happy hour, and made the mistake of drunk calling her, crying about how hard teaching was and how I couldn’t do it anymore. This beautiful lady never shamed me about that, and on Monday she came and offered me help to call a help line. After I retired and got sober, I went back into school and apologized to her. Once again, so gracious, she was only happy I was sober.
I also reached another sober milestone, and am now 4 years and 11 months sober, on August 4!
At the same time I was going through a two day prep for a colonoscopy, and was not feeling great, as drinking the prep is horrible. House bound, and feeling sick was not a mood up-lifter.
This was on the weekend the mass shootings happened.
Where to go with these very mixed up feelings? I walked a bit when I could, I talked with Mr. Untipsy and friends, I laughed, I celebrated, complained, and cried.
Because what else can I do with feelings? I can’t numb them away, I can’t run away from them, I can’t stuff them inside. I must hold their hand and walk with them.
Here is a very simple poem I wrote at my last writer’s group. Our word to write on was growth. Now, when I shared this, I reminded them I was a kindergarten and first grade teacher, and got very embarrassed. I know my face turned red. But I put on my brave face and shared:
Pushing out of the ground,
That little shoot,
Using all the muscles it can muster.
The mystery is,
What will it become?
A mighty tree?
A little weed?
All is for a reason.
Pushing our way out of ourselves,
Using all our muscles of strength and courage,
The mystery is
What will we be?
On Day 1796,
PS – The photos are ones I took on our walks and adventures!